Diet Schmiet!!

There aren't too many things I'd say I'm successful at. In fact, the only thing I can even think of I am successful at is spending money on things I don't need. Like the shake weight, zumba for the Wii, protein shake mix..... Are you seeing a pattern? (although I'd totally buy a thighmaster if I ever run into one again! That Suzanne Summers had some hot legs!)

I've never been a very disciplined person. I've never had the motivation to run a marathon or climb Mt. Everest, hell; it's an accomplishment to climb my stairs! But I do get on these crazy health kicks from time to time and think "hey! I'm gonna work out and get healthy!" I'll lay in bed at night and plan my meals for the next day, and even convince myself I am going to wake up early and work out. Below is an outline of how those days pan out:

5:00 rolls around, my alarm goes off. "It won't kill me if I only work out for 45 minutes instead of an hour, I'll just hit snooze once.... 9 minutes later "a half hour is better than nothing!" snooze again.... 9 minutes later "Forget the gym" I think. "I'll do it after work." I hit snooze 3 more times, finally force myself out of bed, and get ready in record breaking time. I do however, remember I'm on a diet so I grab something healthy and head out for work.

By noon I've only managed to snack on 8 unsalted almonds and a string cheese so I reward myself with piece of grilled chicken and side salad and maybe a Hershey Kiss for lunch. By the time 5:00 rolls around, people are literally questioning if that loud noise is from my stomach, or the organ in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I stop at the gas station and spend $25.00 on anything and everything in sight because if I don't eat NOW I just might die of starvation! Ethiopians have eaten more than me today! The gas station attendant can see the desperation in my eyes and gives me an extra Slim Jim for free.

I make it home just in time for the guilt of the drive home binge to set in and decide to cancel the Papa Johns order I placed on my way home and settle for whatever it is my neighbor Saunie has made, because there's no way I'm eating that salad for dinner I’d planned out the night before!

By bed time I've either spent the entire night at the baseball park or laid on the oversized lovesack and watched Dexter all night and completely forgotten about my plans for the gym. I crawl in to bed determined tomorrow will be a better day......

5:00 rolls around, the alarm goes off, and instead of snooze, I just reset the whole damn thing to 6:30. Wake up, get ready and grab a package of Hostess White Powdered Donuts (which I'm convinced are laced with crack) and a diet coke from the Mav, because dieting is for the birds!!

My arms hurt!

Is it just me or does anyone else lay in bed at night playing on their phones? Checking the last Facebook or twitter comments for the night, finishing a game of words with friends etc.... Like you just might not sleep as well if you don't see that someones posted that their kid took a crap on the "big boy potty" before you doze of into a nights slumber. And all the while you've already taken your contacts out, forcing your arms to scrunch up to the equivalent of a Velociraptor to get your phone close enough to see it, just to drop it on your face a couple times.

Heaven forbid you sit up to finish the ever so unimportant task you're putting more effort into than you do all day at work. Right? 

As my arms begin to feel as if they may either; A. Stay in this awkward position forever or B. Fall off, I decide I like the length of my wingspan. I send a couple of texts, check my email and set my alarm, just in time to drop my phone on my head one more time! 

Please tell me I'm not alone in this. And if I am, welp, I've done more embarrassing things and I don't really care! 

In your FACE June Cleaver!!

It’s no wonder I hate dramatic people. If I cried as a child my dad would beat me. Ok, maybe not beat me, but he sure as crap wasn’t going to put up with any sort of whining. Unfortunately my kids have to put up with me having the same approach at parenting. When they fall down and get hurt I’m yelling at them to rub some dirt on it, or to suck it up and be a man! Yes, I know they are only 9 and 5. I’m the mom in the stands at a baseball game that screams “There’s no crying in baseball!” Which would be ok, but I have a bad habit of yelling that at other people’s children too. The opposing team is never excluded from this either.

I’m ok with the weird stares from other parents as I tell my kid to walk it off after being pegged in the head with a baseball. I may not be the best role model to my kids, or even be very sympathetic but my kids like me.  At the end of Carter’s baseball game a few weeks ago, my mom and I brought the kids pizza and cupcakes to celebrate their win. One of the other players said to Carter, “your mom is so awesome!” Carters reply to this was “yeah, I know! And she’s not even 30!”  

Who knows what will happen to their opinion of me 3 years from now when I turn the big 3-0. At that point Carter will be close to being a teenager and will hate me anyway. But for now, I’ve got 3 years left of my children reminding the world I’m not 30. Let’s just hope not too many of them are very good at math and figure out how young I was when I had Carter…

A big confession....

Sometimes in life we make mistakes. Sometimes in life, those mistakes happen to be big enough that they haunt you forever. I'm not talking about the time I dyed my hair green or got caught ditching seminary. Or even my 6th grade photo with one overall strap hanging down. While those are valid mistakes and the hauntings will never go away, I'm talking about a bigger issue here. 

Tonight I took my kids to Walmart. (again, not the mistake I'm about to talk about) While we were there I somehow managed to get talked in to buying a movie.... I can't even admit this without feeling like a total failure of a parent. In fact, someone may need to turn me in to social services. I bought....(I'm getting sick) Never Say Never, the Justin Bieber movie.

I feel like such a sale out! After all the times I have mocked this movie and all who have seen it, I, of all people, paid 13.97 and bought the movie!! I feel like I've let down anti Bieber fans across the world. I think this is how I'd feel if I ever cheated on Oreos with the western family brand. 

And now I live with this mistake on my shoulders. Similar to every other mistake I've made in life. From thinking I could pull off a Jennifer Aniston hair style in the late 90's, to saying yes at my first wedding. This purchase will forever haunt me for not standing for what I believe in, a Bieber free home!! The only positive side to this purchase is that for once, I own a movie that didn't start out as a dollar rental from Redbox!!

Things that must go....

X-96 use to feature their list of things that must go. I miss this bit. Why they steered away from it I will never know. Over the past few days, I've compiled my own list of things that must go. 

1. Hair flair! Specifically feathers. I don't see why people want to look like they had a head on collision with a parakeet on their way to work. Whats next? We start putting fish scales on our domes? We are humans, let's focus on what we have people and leave the poultry to be eaten, not flat ironed!!

2. That stupid firework song by Katy Perry . No explanation needed.

3. Coupon Nazis. Look, I'm all for saving a buck, but not when it makes me look like some hoarder who's probably been digging through their neighbors garbage can for old newspapers. 

4. FB posts with no definition of your life issues ie: :( or "I'm so sad!" how the hell do I laugh at your dramatic and depressing life if I don't know why you're upset? (Same rules apply with :) or "I'm so happy!!")

5. Dancing sign holders. I swear one day I'm going to kill someone because I'm watching some dude do the Rodger Rabbit while spinning a sign on one finger and juggling with the other hand, because I'm not paying attention to the car in front of me.

I realize I'm in no way perfect, and my words are often full of cynicism, but like I've said before, if you disagree that's ok by me, just be prepared to be laughed at!

I could sale a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves!

I started this blog because I had come to the point in my life where I decided I was virtually going nowhere in life in terms of a "career." I've spent the last couple of years as an accounting clerk. I'm about as good with numbers as Kirsty Alley is at weight loss! 

I had high hopes of some rich and famous person stumbling across my blog and paying me to write witty and pointless blog posts for their entertainment. I'm still holding out for this. However I've ventured into the world of sales for now. 

I can't really say I'm good at this new job, only being two weeks in to it, but I can say that I'm a better sales rep than accountant. You see, in accounting, there's a lot of hard work, a lot of focus, and a lot of dedication that has to go into your day. With sales, I'm on a call for a few minutes, they either say yes or no, and I'm on to the next person. It's the perfect job for my length of attention span!!

I can't guarantee I'm going to be the best sales woman my job will ever see, but what I can guarantee is this: I will always alway ALWAYS put in a solid 78% at work! And once this blog thing goes viral, I'll put in a little less.... I won't quit though, I need the insurance!

{side note to avoid termination: I really do love my new job and vow to put in 99%, 87% of the time! Nobody likes an overachiever.} 

Third Grade English

I’ll be the first person to tell you my attention span is that of a nat. This could potentially be my biggest downfall. I realize I’m giving myself more credit than I deserve by deeming my short attention span to my biggest downfall, however, if I’m not able to talk myself up on my own blog, what good is it?? My oldest son Carter is out playing baseball with my dad right now while I’m trying to rummage up some creativity to help him with his final book report project for the third grade. Somewhere between my negligence to academics and his dad’s laziness, Carter developed an interest in school, particularly reading. My favorite book always was, and still is, One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish, by Dr. Seuss. Why? Because that’s really all my attention span can handle, well that it’s short, sweet, and it has lots of pictures. If ever I had to do a book report in school, I made sure it had already been made into a movie because there was no way I was going to sit down and actually read How to Kill a Mockingbird.

Carter chose to do his final book report on, How to Speak Dragonese. The third book to the, How to Train your Dragon series. I was pretty excited when he decided that he was going to do his project on this book because he’s seen that movie!! YES!! A child after my own heart! Only to find out, that the book he’d chosen, was the THIRD book. Not the first one. Therefore, no movie, which means, my help on this project is going to be about as constructive as a midget working in a big and tall store.

I wish I were one of those moms who had the ambition to sit down and read the same books as her kids to be of more help on projects like these, and maybe one day, I’ll consider venturing out to books on tape or something, for now I’ll continue to wait for the movie to come out, take my boys to it and shove my face full of popcorn before discussing the book with them. My kids may want to seriously consider tutors down the road!!