Drinking water.....

I get reprimanded for not blogging enough. I’m sorry; I promise I write blog posts in my head daily. But seeing how I’m trying really hard NOT to text and drive (or blog and drive) those posts in my head don’t always make it to paper. Paper? What’s paper? No one writes on that crap anymore! But, guess what Kim???(President, and only member of my fan Club) here I am, writing a blog post!

I want to talk about something I hate. (Weird for me to do that, I usually have nothing but good things to say….. womp woommpp)I hate water! It’s supposed to do all these magical things for you, i.e. clear up your acne, lose weight, tighten your belly, and make your skin glow like a glow worm! BLAH! All it does is make me gag! It’s so gross! I’ve tried Smart Water, People Water, Fancy Water, Sparkling Water, triple filtered-imported-Antarctica purest of all pure glacier water, tap water, well water, toilet water, etc. etc. Consensus says? They all taste the same!  

I went to a restaurant today, and got the glass of water on the left. THIS is not ok. It’s also one of the 132.5 reasons, I don’t drink water. As all of you know, I am a Diet Coke drinker. And although I’ve had my fair share of bad Diet Cokes, it is ALWAYS consistently brown enough to cover up any flaws like this. (Unless it’s at the Mav and they just need to change the syrup, then I just yell to Tony – the guy who works there- and tell him to get in back and fix it. Or I go back there and do it myself; they should consider putting me on their payroll.)

I know what you’re thinking “add crystal light, add the fancy drops, add lemon!” My answer, no, no and no. I’ve tried, It’s still gross. I realize my insides are “eating away the rust off a penny” as we speak, but like Jake Gyllenhal said to Heath Ledger (RIP) in Brokeback Mountain…. Diet Coke…. “I can’t quit you!"

In my qwest for a healthier lifestyle, I have been forcing water down my throat now for a week. If I don't look like Beyonce here shortly, I'mma have to give up!

Peace, love, and send money. Xoxo Meg

Male Pattern Baldness

My blog is slacking. I have nothing funny or demeaning to write about. Want to know why? Because I'm going bald. That's right, bald. Like, Britney Spears gone crazy and shaves her head bald, bald. (That could possibly be a little dramatic.)

I have no idea why, but about three weeks ago, I noticed the part on my head looked like the gap between Madonna’s two front teeth, and of course, my ever so loving mom, had to point it out and laugh. Mom: "Holy crap Meg! When did your part become so wide?" Me: "I dunno mom, probably about the same time my a** did!" Thanks for always pointing out my flaws so lovingly, mom. One day I’ll tell the story of the time I got Bell’s Palsy and my mom just laughed at me while half my face was paralyzed.

If you ever learn anything from me, (which you probably won't) at least remember this; when something is wrong with you, DO NOT GOOGLE YOUR SYMPTOMS!!! At this point, I'm convinced I have a problem with my thyroid, I’m in stage two kidney failure, pregnant, stressed, in shock, just had a baby, recovering from a major surgery, and have syphilis.

I got about 5 vials of blood drawn today. I know that's nothing, but when you're a wimp like me, it's a big deal. There are a few symptoms I can cross off my list. Pregnancy (no explanation needed) I'm pretty sure I didn't have a baby any time in the past 7 years, no surgery since the back in 2010, and STD free for 28 years. I can’t really rule out kidney failure, we all know I consume more diet coke in a day than the cast of Jersey Shore does vodka. So I'm assuming it’s my thyroid, or stress. I've decided to send my Dr. a bill for this one since I did all the research!

Dear Women, please read.

I’d like to thank women everywhere for getting rid of the feathers in the hair trend so quickly. I was worried it would stay and I’d have to keep complaining about it. For those who haven’t gotten the memo they’re out… well God Bless You. Now, would it kill you guys to STOP with the close up self-taken portraits? Maybe limit them to 2 a year? (I have to throw the 2 a year out there because every once in a while I need a new profile pic to keep everyone up to date on my hair color and  I don’t  want people calling me a hypocrite.) I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I don’t need to see your EVERY outfit or a pic of you every time you go to the gym, the pool, or the grocery store, the bathroom etc.  When we were growing up, I did just find only seeing your face in our yearbook once a year. This is still ok, 10 years later.  

Maybe I’m jealous of some of your petite little bodies and fake boobs. I’d like to say I’m pretty average, I’m no Calista Flockhart, but I sure as hell am no Oprah- pre Dr. Oz.  In reality, just about ANYONE can look like a size 2 with the right angle and mirror to cut out the fat. You’re kind of not fooling anyone.  

I’m a girl. (In case some of you didn’t know.) So I get it. There are times I’ve gotten ready and looked in the mirror and thought, “damn girl! You look good!” Granted, these are times that happen few and far in between. But, they’ve happened. However, you know what I didn’t have to do? Take a picture of myself with my phone in the mirror and post it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to get the validation from the 41 Likes and 23 retweets to know that I pulled off the perfect hair and eye shadow combo for the day.

And for some people, I can’t help but sing a little Carly Simon every time you make a post. You’re so Vain that you probably think this blog is about you!  Sure I could delete some of these people, but then really…. What would I have as entertainment?

Please send money…. (This has to work at some point right?)

Meg

Brady Von Pooplestein

I follow my cousin’s blog. It’s alright I guess. If you have nothing better to do, you can check it out….. http://thesongsstuckinmyhead.blogspot.com/  I noticed his profile was a little short. I had the opportunity (if you can call it that) to work with him for about a year, during this time, I learned more about Brady than I ever wanted to know. I think it’s only fitting I release the first edition of his profile for his blog. As of now, his profile says the following; “I love Hi-Chew candy. I have a scar on the side of my head. My mom thinks I'm cool. I once played Nintendo for 27 hours straight. I'm an Aires. I'm a little bit "meh" about long walks on the beach.”

This was what he’d originally written, I love watching reruns of Silver Spoons and Who’s the Boss at 1:00 in the morning. My favorite color is poop yellow-brown. My favorite Golden Girl was Blanche, because she’s dead sexy. When I’m not blogging I’m searching for jobs as a Domino’s Pizza Delivery man. I’m in the middle of starting my own reality show called “What to do after your Theater Degree fails to get you anywhere in life.”  The first episode will show me walking into the homeless shelter and introducing myself as Chuck Norris and the people believing it because they don’t know any better due to living on the street. Many homeless people have experienced happiness because they believe they have met a real celebrity and gotten a body part autographed by him. I secretly stalk Ben Folds and send him love letters sprayed with Lemon Pledge then folded into the shape of a heart. I am currently going through a 12 step program for my addiction to glow worms. Step 1 is my favorite; “I admit I am powerless over my addiction to glow worms, I recognize my life has become unmanageable because of this.” My all-time favorite girl band is Wilson Phillips, their song “Release Me” changed my life and I will forever hold on for one more day because of them. My mom suffered 37 hours of labor with me because my head is so big; this caused my right thumb to be slightly shorter than my left. We call this thumb Deb and I inject it with growth hormones once a day hoping it will grow to the size of a normal thumb. It is my goal in life to help my favorite cousin Meghann get on the Ellen Show or meet Justin Bieber.

There are a couple things I had to edit out because Brady went a little R-Rated on us, and my blog is a family blog. I’m happy I’ve gotten this off my chest because the world needs to know of his real aspirations as well as his struggles in life.  

Thanks for reading, please send money.

Meg

Making your way in the world today, takes everything you've got!

I was called a hypocrite this morning for not being on top of my panhandling… I guess it’s time to post something meaningless again and end with a plea for money or a spot on the Ellen show as usual.  One day this will work out for me, right? Probably not.

I was trying to think of something that had been driving me crazy lately because that’s usually what my posts are about. But legally, I can’t talk about the “thing” bothering me most because of what is stated in my divorce decree about not “degrading” my ex spouse in public. So I’ll talk about the second thing bothering me these days.

90% of the time, I stop by Maverick in the morning on my way to work or wherever I’m going for the day.  It’s a rare occasion I miss that stop because it’s imperative I drink 44 ounces of Diet Coke before doing anything productive for the day. (I know it’s probably a stretch to say that anything I ever do is productive.)  

The same people work there every morning, the old crew use to be like family to me. It was like walking in to Cheers. I was the Norm to the Riverton/Herriman Maverick. Every other visit, my drinks would be free because they just liked me. I was a regular and they figured I’d earned my way to V.I.P. status in the convenient store world.

About 6 months ago, Maverick made a staff change. I’m not sure if it was because word got out to the managers that they were giving things away, or if it was a different reason. But this new crew sucks. I have had to pay for my drinks every day for 6 months! Not once have I been greeted with a “heeeeyyy!!!” as I walk through the doors in the morning. And EVERY DAY the SAME girl asks me if I want a receipt. EVERY DAY I say no. The last people knew I didn’t want a receipt, knew it was debit, and KNEW if their Diet Coke was out, to run to the back and fix it before I even got close to the fountain. I’d just like to know where K.C., Saydee, and Brenda have gone. What did I do wrong to lose my celebrity status? It’s like I’m M.C. Hammer and have lost everything over night!! I’m not ok with this!

Sometimes you really do wanna go where everybody knows your name!

Love to you all. Please send money or gift cards to Maverick.

Wedding Bell Hell

I think it’s been a while since I complained publically about something that drives me crazy. Well… at least on my blog, I do it every day on Twitter and Facebook. I find that by complaining about things I have no control over out loud, I feel a little better about myself.

There are a couple things I’m not ok with, but, to each their own so take this with a grain of salt if you are in to these kinds of things. I’m pretty much over the whole- put your arms out holding a sign that says- “We’re getting married!!” thing. Here’s the deal folks… you just sent me a wedding announcement. Don’t you think I put two and two together without you having to hold up a poster board that says it? These pics are just about as over done as a Katy Perry song. Sitting in a photo booth having each picture have a different piece of information isn’t any better. Example: We’re… Getting….. Married….. June 12, 2012. Those ones just piss me off (sorry I said piss mom)… I see the first one, “we’re” and I’m thinking “HOLY CRAP!!! They’re about to announce something INCREDIBLE, the anticipation is KILLING ME!!!” Next one “getting”….. “Oh my gosh?? What are they getting?? A Zebra? A lion?? -No…. Scotty is allergic to Lions, it wouldn’t be a lion-… could they be getting a monkey? A dolphin? WHAT IS IT??” Last one… “Married”…. *insert crickets chirping* “WHAT?? Who cares!! Send out an announcement when you have something cool to tell me! What a let down!”

Maybe it’s because I’ve got one failed marriage under my belt that the excitement of it all is a little obscure to me. But I feel as if every wedding announcement I get is trying to one up the last one. Let’s be honest, I’m just going to throw away the 500 picture collage you just sent me so you’ve basically just wasted 2.00 plus postage on me. If you want to send me something worth while, just send me cash. I’ll attempt to come to your wedding, so long as it’s in Salt Lake County, preferably within the Riverton/Herriman/South Jordan area, and as long as your refreshments are worth it, but I’m totally cool with an invite on Facebook. Save yourself the money, and the idea of me laughing at your all too lovey dovey engagement pictures.

Love you all!

p.s. sorry for any grammar errors, this was a rant and not combed through

p.s.s I’m not really sorry.

Meg for Prez

I think I’ve talked about this before, but because of the upcoming presidential elections, I feel obligated to talk about it again. I know nothing, and when I say nothing, I mean literally NOTHING about politics. I couldn’t tell you who, besides Mitt Romney {Shout out to my Mormon peeps} is running this year.

I can’t tell you what Obama did or didn’t do, other than be made fun of on Saturday Night Live a few times. But they seem to be able to mock every president fairly well so really, it made no difference. I do know Michelle Obama took French fries out of school lunches and did push ups with Ellen, but those don’t really win over a vote for her husband from me.

Gas prices suck, I’m not sure if that’s because of Obama or something else, but there’s nothing I can do about it, so I continue to get hosed at the pump once a week as a fill up.  My health insurance premiums are still outrageous, and I’m still paying out the a-double-s for diabetes supplies every month for my kid. From what I’ve gathered, I’m paying for people with no jobs to get insurance basically. Right? Or am I just making this up. Probably.

This is what happens when my main source of news comes from Facebook and Twitter. I thought while following “The Onion” I was getting some legit news stories. Turns out those are all fake. Oops, my bad. I’m sure I’m a disgrace to society for not caring more; but in all honesty, nothing makes me madder than Greys Anatomy being interrupted for a presidential address to the nation. I don’t care what he has to say! I just care if Grey and McDreamy are hooking up in the break room again!

Anyway, there’s really not a huge point to this post, other than the fact I’m a little, ok a LOT, politically disabled. I’m ok with that. I've managed to survive this long without an understanding of it all. But for the love of all that is holy, for the next 8 months, could you all tone it down with the politics on social media sites? You’re really putting a damper on my free entertainment.

Thanks!

p.s. maybe write me in as your presidential election this year?