A big confession....

Sometimes in life we make mistakes. Sometimes in life, those mistakes happen to be big enough that they haunt you forever. I'm not talking about the time I dyed my hair green or got caught ditching seminary. Or even my 6th grade photo with one overall strap hanging down. While those are valid mistakes and the hauntings will never go away, I'm talking about a bigger issue here. 

Tonight I took my kids to Walmart. (again, not the mistake I'm about to talk about) While we were there I somehow managed to get talked in to buying a movie.... I can't even admit this without feeling like a total failure of a parent. In fact, someone may need to turn me in to social services. I bought....(I'm getting sick) Never Say Never, the Justin Bieber movie.

I feel like such a sale out! After all the times I have mocked this movie and all who have seen it, I, of all people, paid 13.97 and bought the movie!! I feel like I've let down anti Bieber fans across the world. I think this is how I'd feel if I ever cheated on Oreos with the western family brand. 

And now I live with this mistake on my shoulders. Similar to every other mistake I've made in life. From thinking I could pull off a Jennifer Aniston hair style in the late 90's, to saying yes at my first wedding. This purchase will forever haunt me for not standing for what I believe in, a Bieber free home!! The only positive side to this purchase is that for once, I own a movie that didn't start out as a dollar rental from Redbox!!

Things that must go....

X-96 use to feature their list of things that must go. I miss this bit. Why they steered away from it I will never know. Over the past few days, I've compiled my own list of things that must go. 

1. Hair flair! Specifically feathers. I don't see why people want to look like they had a head on collision with a parakeet on their way to work. Whats next? We start putting fish scales on our domes? We are humans, let's focus on what we have people and leave the poultry to be eaten, not flat ironed!!

2. That stupid firework song by Katy Perry . No explanation needed.

3. Coupon Nazis. Look, I'm all for saving a buck, but not when it makes me look like some hoarder who's probably been digging through their neighbors garbage can for old newspapers. 

4. FB posts with no definition of your life issues ie: :( or "I'm so sad!" how the hell do I laugh at your dramatic and depressing life if I don't know why you're upset? (Same rules apply with :) or "I'm so happy!!")

5. Dancing sign holders. I swear one day I'm going to kill someone because I'm watching some dude do the Rodger Rabbit while spinning a sign on one finger and juggling with the other hand, because I'm not paying attention to the car in front of me.

I realize I'm in no way perfect, and my words are often full of cynicism, but like I've said before, if you disagree that's ok by me, just be prepared to be laughed at!

I could sale a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves!

I started this blog because I had come to the point in my life where I decided I was virtually going nowhere in life in terms of a "career." I've spent the last couple of years as an accounting clerk. I'm about as good with numbers as Kirsty Alley is at weight loss! 

I had high hopes of some rich and famous person stumbling across my blog and paying me to write witty and pointless blog posts for their entertainment. I'm still holding out for this. However I've ventured into the world of sales for now. 

I can't really say I'm good at this new job, only being two weeks in to it, but I can say that I'm a better sales rep than accountant. You see, in accounting, there's a lot of hard work, a lot of focus, and a lot of dedication that has to go into your day. With sales, I'm on a call for a few minutes, they either say yes or no, and I'm on to the next person. It's the perfect job for my length of attention span!!

I can't guarantee I'm going to be the best sales woman my job will ever see, but what I can guarantee is this: I will always alway ALWAYS put in a solid 78% at work! And once this blog thing goes viral, I'll put in a little less.... I won't quit though, I need the insurance!

{side note to avoid termination: I really do love my new job and vow to put in 99%, 87% of the time! Nobody likes an overachiever.} 

Third Grade English

I’ll be the first person to tell you my attention span is that of a nat. This could potentially be my biggest downfall. I realize I’m giving myself more credit than I deserve by deeming my short attention span to my biggest downfall, however, if I’m not able to talk myself up on my own blog, what good is it?? My oldest son Carter is out playing baseball with my dad right now while I’m trying to rummage up some creativity to help him with his final book report project for the third grade. Somewhere between my negligence to academics and his dad’s laziness, Carter developed an interest in school, particularly reading. My favorite book always was, and still is, One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish, by Dr. Seuss. Why? Because that’s really all my attention span can handle, well that it’s short, sweet, and it has lots of pictures. If ever I had to do a book report in school, I made sure it had already been made into a movie because there was no way I was going to sit down and actually read How to Kill a Mockingbird.

Carter chose to do his final book report on, How to Speak Dragonese. The third book to the, How to Train your Dragon series. I was pretty excited when he decided that he was going to do his project on this book because he’s seen that movie!! YES!! A child after my own heart! Only to find out, that the book he’d chosen, was the THIRD book. Not the first one. Therefore, no movie, which means, my help on this project is going to be about as constructive as a midget working in a big and tall store.

I wish I were one of those moms who had the ambition to sit down and read the same books as her kids to be of more help on projects like these, and maybe one day, I’ll consider venturing out to books on tape or something, for now I’ll continue to wait for the movie to come out, take my boys to it and shove my face full of popcorn before discussing the book with them. My kids may want to seriously consider tutors down the road!!

Everybody loves Kaycee!!

You know the old saying “When the cat’s away, the mice will play?” As the assistant office manager at Sportsmans Warehouse, I got to witness some pretty funny things when the Loss Prevention team would call myself and the office manager (who happens to be one of my best friends) up to the cameras to see what went on in the stores when no one was there to take charge. I think the funniest video I ever watched was when Kaycee Bruno’s boyfriend Austin -who was conveniently working the same shift as her that night- decided to put her under a boat and sit on it so she couldn’t get out. Trying to rummage up the seriousness to tell them this was NOT ok was a bit challenging for Brittany and I that day. I remember she and I giggling like little school girls at the creativity of the stunt and laughing at the fact that Austin had actually convinced her to climb UNDER the boat to begin with. Needless to say, it was never a dull moment when working with Kaycee.

I’m sure it’s no shock to anyone that I had my fair share of playing around when we should have been working. *refer to post 1 if this actually is shocking to you* I remember playing hide n go seek with Kaycee and a few others throughout the store when times were slow. I’m pretty sure I was hiding in the fitting room once for a good 25 minutes waiting for Kaycee and a few others to find me. They’d given up and decided not to say anything and just let me be. (thanks jerks!) Working retail isn’t exactly entertaining, but Kaycee always managed to make it fun! She is one of the happiest and sweetest people I know!! I’m so happy we got to work (or pretend to work) together and get to know each other!!

Royal Shmoyal: Is the wedding over yet??

I don’t quite understand why there is so much publicity about this Royal Wedding. First of all, we live in the United States, last I heard, this event was taking place in London. (not that I know where that is) So why are they flooding our precious celebrity gossip magazines with pictures of Will and Kate, and her all too much blue wardrobe?? Those spaces should be limited to the people who have a direct impact on the readers…. I need my Lohan fix!! What’s going on with Britney? MICHAEL JACKSONS DEAD???? All things I’ve been deprived of because OK, People, USWeekly, and Star magazines have been filled with page after page of guest lists, announcements, wedding attire, menu’s and other useless wedding information pertaining to nonresident celebrities! I should be completely left in the dark about these people, instead, I know all too much!

Here is what I know of the Royal Family:

·         Diana was BFF’s with Elton John

·         She died and Elton revamped goodbye Norma Jean to say goodbye England’s Rose which TOTALLY threw me for a loop when I tried to sing along.

·         She had two kids with HUGE teeth. Will and Harry

·         Harry is in the Army or something

·         Will is marrying Kate (the one who needs to add more color into her life)

·         Fergie is not invited to the wedding

·         Neither is the real Fergie, because every time the Royal family tries to come around, her London, London bridge wanna go down.

·         Will and Kate are getting married on my dad’s birthday, personally, I think there should be more coverage on him than these two.

I apologize if any of you have purchased “Royal Wedding 2011” paraphernalia like the Will and Kate Paper Doll set pictured above and I’ve offended you for any reason. Actually, if you’re that pathetic and have bought anything like this, you deserve to be offended and know I’m laughing at you.

Restroom Manners

We have a coed bathroom at work but there is a lock on the door so only one person occupies it at a time. This isn’t like Ally McBeal where men and women actually share the same restroom, opening opportunities for a little afternoon delight between co-workers in the stalls. It’s more of a private bathroom really, just available to both men and women. As I was walking into the bathroom today, creepy Chuck (whose name has been altered in case he ever stumbles across this blog) decided to come and have a conversation with me. I continued to inch myself closer to the door as my 44 ounces of diet coke had reached the point of no return in my 15 ounce sized bladder. Creepy Chuck kept inching closer to me, continuing to talk about how he needed something done and blah blah blah, at that point, all I could focus on was how I was going to keep my bladder from exploding and how to get away from his jagged yellow/grey teeth!! I’d inched myself close enough to the bathroom that I was finally beginning to push the door open; Still talking and walking towards me as if he was going to follow me in there to continue our worthless/going nowhere conversation, I finally just went in the bathroom and slammed the door shut while staring him down with the look of death in my eyes. It should be a common courtesy that if someone is walking somewhere and you even think they might  be walking into the bathroom, that you don’t strike up a conversation! Don’t even talk to them! Don’t even make eye contact with them!!  Assume they are an alien from Mars and any indication you have acknowledged their presence, will result in you bursting into flames!!! (I think I’ve made my point here)