A lesson for everyone.....

Today at work, my friend Phil came back from lunch smelling like a pile of Onions. He stinks! So I decided I needed to write a little blog post about workplace personal scent etiquette. It is NEVER ok to come to work smelling like the following:

1. Onions
2. Beef Stew
3. Cigarettes
4. Elk Urine
5. The back of a garbage truck
6. A McDonalds, or any other fastfood bathroom
7. Fish
8. B.O. covered by Old Spice
9. Curve for Men
10. Wet Dog
11. Sunflowers Perfume
12. Dirty Laundry
13. Aqua Net Hairspray
14. Hot Dogs
15. Adidas Cologne
16. Teen Spirit Deodorant
17. Baby Vomit
18. Beer
19. Cabbage
20. Lindsay Lohan

It is acceptable to come to work smelling like the following:

1. Rubber Cement
2. Really big sharpie Markers
3. Paint Thinner
4. W-D 40
5. Those colorful smelly good markers.

Please feel free to sit in my Cube if you smell like the above 5. The above 20, please move your workstation to the break room with the homeless man for the rest of the day.

That is all.

True Loyalty

I think it’s funny when people all of a sudden become a fan of someone/something. Enter Tim Tebow, Jimmer, and the 49ers. Granted, I have been a 49ers fan my entire life, so it may seem I am a part of this group of people. (If you need proof, I will post pictures of myself in 49ers apparel at a young age.)

I realize Tim Tebow has had some amazing come backs this year and taken Denver 7-1. However, if I see one more person “Tebow” to God, I will punch them in the face.  Also, the water cooler talk at work regarding Tebow needs to stop. Where is your loyalty to hating a certain team people?? Hasn’t the ignominy of the Colts season this year proven to you, that ONE person can make a team look good?? (And yes, I right clicked/synonym on the word embarrassment to get the word “ignominy” to look smarter)  Where will all you new Denver “fans” be when Tebow gets injured and the Broncos start losing? Probably jumping onto the Niners bandwagon.

To sum up my loyalty of hating, I will give you one more example. I hate Diet Pepsi more than water. (That’s A LOT!!) If Diet Pepsi all of the sudden turned my pee into gold, I’d STILL drink Diet Coke. Why? Because I am a LOYAL FAN!  

Thank you for your time.

Please send money.

A Little Holiday Song

What would the holidays be like without a post from me complaining about all the things I don’t like about them? Well it wouldn’t be the holidays! That’s for sure! I’ve written a little song about Walmart this Christmas Season. You’re welcome.

On the first day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the second day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the third day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me, 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the eighth day of Christams Walmart gave to me, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the ninth day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the tenth day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, ten creepers creeping, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the eleventh day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, eleven lines to stand in, ten creepers creeping, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the twelfth day of Christams Walmart gave to me, twelve butt cracks showin, eleven lines to stand in, ten creepers creeping, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

Back to Panhandling

I started my new job when sales where BOOMING! I made more money my first month on the job than I had in years. It only got better as the following months went on. And then October happened….. {Insert crickets chirping here}

Yesterday, I made 119 phone calls. Of those 119 phone calls, I got two, count them TWO sales!!! I WAS REJECTED 117 TIMES!!!! In ONE DAY!!

Do you know what that does to ones self esteem? This sales stuff messes with your mind more than watching an episode of Jersey Shore does! Show me a person who enjoys a .02 success rate other than Kim Kardashian’s marriages, and I will give them .02 percent of my sales yesterday! (It’s not much! Don’t get too excited!)

With this in mind, I’ve been reminded that I am still waiting for everyone’s money to start filtering in. I started this blog in April and not one of you has paid up. Or gotten me on an episode of Ellen. Is it going to really take me dressing up in a pink tutu and singing a Nicki Minaj song to land me a spot on her show? Or is one of my friends going to step it up and follow through on their end of the deal?

Maybe I should aim lower and start with landing a spot on Chelsea Lately instead. I do love her show more than I like most people, but I don’t know what I’d do about the whole Chuy situation. You all know my fear of midgets…..

**side note: I’m only partially kidding about all of this.

Dear Diary.........

I was thinking to myself earlier today that I hadn’t written a blog post for a while. So of course, I sat with a blank look on my face and stared off into space for a good 32 minutes about what I could write a post about. Turns out, I just looked like an idiot staring out into space and came up with nothing.

How do I not have anything to talk about? I’m usually the one with an opinion (usually negative) on everything! So far this month, I’ve voiced my concerns about Facebook threatening to charge, complained I couldn’t find Halloween cereal anywhere, and announced to the world I puke when I get nervous. (I also may have lied about my age in this status, but that’s not a big deal.)

So then I started thinking a little harder (which is never really a good thing for me to do) and wondered how we ended up here. No dummies, I’m not wondering how we got here, despite what my mom thinks, I know all about the birds and the bees. I’m wondering how we got to the point that our every thought has to be poured out in some huge Facebook Status, or that we can’t deal with our feelings unless we write them down in a blog post for the world to see? Do people still keep private diaries? I know I never did, but I can imagine my diary being a lot like my Facebook posts….

July 16, 2010: Do I seriously have to listen to these stupid neighbor boys light fireworks ONE MORE NIGHT??? I HATE KIDS!!

April 29, 2011:  Had a great day at work, I didn’t say one bad thing about anyone today!!

September 27, 2011: Flipped my neighbor off today! I’m not even sorry!  

And lets not forget my claim to fame:

April 23, 2010: Just saw a deer completely castrated on the side of the road!!

Looks like I was able to come up with something to talk about for a blog post! To make a point to this post, I think its funny that we all have decided to take our “diaries” viral. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Facebook and blogging and will probably continue to do it until like I said, they start charging. Social networking has actually turned out to be a pretty good thing for me. (I’m pretty sure Chris will disagree seeing how I online stalked him and forced him to be my boyfriend, he’ll get over it one day though.)

Shits and Shingles Fundraiser Walk

My brother is one of the nicest guys I know. He is such a patient, kind, and generous person.

But this blog post is about my other brother, Brock; a victim of Shits and Shingles. What is Shits and Shingles you ask?? Shits is street slang for IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  Shingles, is a disease Brock, along with many other 75 and older humans, suffer with 2-3 times a year. Shingles is a form of the chicken pox, only it shows up in awkward patches on your body making it unbearable to touch and awkward to be seen in public. It is unfortunate there are so many who suffer from both.

 

Brock has been suffering from a shortage of bathrooms and porta-potties for years! I believe it is time we step up and make a difference for those suffering from Shits and Shingles. Please join me, along with many senior citizens, on June 22^nd 2016, in the first annual Shits and Shingles walk. This walk will be a half mile walk in the park, with 225 porta-potties along the route. There will be 3 rest stops containing Percocet and Immodium incase any flare ups take place for those walking and are victims of Shits and Shingles. (Crap bags available upon request for those with severe cases.)

Money raised will go towards providing 7-11’s across the country with better toilet paper, as a thank you from the many run ins they have had with Shit’s sufferers who couldn't quite make it to work. Also money will be used to provide a number of porta potties along the freeway, for those moments when the shits just won't wait for an exit. Funds will also be donated to help find a cure for victims like Brock, with Juvenile Shingles.

A special thank you to the following sponsors:

Honey Bucket

Immodium AD

Depends

Pepto

Milanta

Prozac

Larry H. Miller
Snoop Dogg

Kool-aid for Sale!!!

                                                   

I decided the one disadvantage to owning an iPhone is that my kids think they own it. The second I pick them up after work they're on my phone. It's not "Hi Mom! I missed you!" It's "Mom... can I see your phone?"

I was ok with Angry Birds, Tiger Woods Golf and even some what ok with Talking Tom; the annoying cat that repeats everything you say in an extremely annoying voice. But lately I keep getting this message: "Your Siamese cat is finished breeding" and I'm thinking, what in the hell are my kids playing, and how much did this cost me??

Apparently, the iPhone app creators, a.k.a. people with no life, have come up with a pet shop game that allows you to breed animals and sell their offspring to make a profit for the pet shop. I was a little worried I was going to witness the actual conception and delivery part of the Siamese cat litter, but luckily, that isn't part of the game.

What is this world coming too? When I was a kid I worked hard for my entertainment and money. I had to go outside, find a REAL cat on the side of the road, wait 2 minutes for it to get raped by some homeless ally cat, and then try to sell those kittens for a REAL profit. My kids are lazy and have no ambition. Tonight, I'm going to make them sell Kool-Aid on the side of the road and teach them what real kids do!