My Moms First Blog Post

My mom sent me this email today, it may or may not have made me cry. She's an amazing mom, grandma and friend. She may not agree with every choice I've made in my life, but she loves me anyway. She is my rock through hard times and makes me laugh when no one else can. I'm fortunate enough to have a mom I can call my best friend. Thanks for all you do! (And sorry to post this.....) 

I've always wondered about why women blog.  But after watching 5 grandkids I get it.  I forgot how fun this was. First you need to know I slept exactly 3 hours and 47 minutes last night. Between snoring, coughing nightmares and my mind writing my talk for Sunday at 2:00 am it was a very long night.  I had a Benadryl at 4:00 thinking if I could just get a couple hours Id feel great in the morning...apparently Benadryl is longer lasting than 2 hours.  I'm just praying I don’t get pulled over for a DUI by the cops running the speed trap on 3600 west.  I know it's a trap cuz I've been down it 8 times already today. 

You'll be proud to know all kids have gotten to school on time.  (Seatbelts may or may not have been on).  After getting 4 of the 5 to school I had 45 minutes to get ready for the day.  I know that's about 3 times as long as most moms, but keep in mind I'm use to leisurely mornings reading the paper sipping Pero.  After I'm ready I help Gunner with his homework.  We count out 100 M&M's and count them by 10's.  I started a diet today so I only eat 5....well maybe more like 50, I quit counting.  We go pick up Marin and Drew (on time again, go me).  Get home and make sandwiches when Halle calls and says she needs shoes for recess.  (It's pajama day and she wore slippers).  Keep in mind I've been home from picking up Marin for 4 minutes.  I slap ham on bread for sandwiches and we pile back into the car.  I snarf the crusts down for my lunch and say to heck with the diet bring it on!!!  I get Gunner to school about 10 minutes early so let Marin and Drew play on the playground so I can sleep in the car for 10 minutes.  Just as I'm dosing Gunner opens the door to tell me Drew has broken a school rule and climbed up the slide.

Right now I'm on the toilet faking like I'm going while Marin and Drew are trying to watch me under the door.  I reach for the TP and see a piece of cheese clinging for life on the roll.  (don't ask, I have no idea).  I wash my hands and hear the doorbell, crap!!!!  The RS Presidency is coming for a visit!  Really?  Why?  I'm fine!!!!  My house is a complete disaster!  After an hour visit I make Drew his lunch, he wasn't hungry earlier, I eat his crust and figure that's a meal combined with the crusts from the other sandwiches.  Things have calmed down a bit.  I'm going to make beds and straighten up before the others get home. 

So what I'm trying to say in all this, is I get why mom's blog.  When I was a young mother we stood outside and talked to our neighbors and told horror stories like my morning to each other while the kids played.  Now a days, we don't do that.  We text and we blog and we take Xanex to get through the day.  My baby turns 28 tomorrow.  I can hardly remember her as a child.  I don't remember the days like today.  I don't remember the hard times, I only remember the joy she, and my sons have brought to me.  The wonderful feeling of holding your child for the first time.  Of falling so in love you can't imagine a life without them.  My days of little children are gone. I only have grandchildren who visit and stay over occasionally.   I realize that being a mom and grandma is the best job I could ever have.  I've been blessed with 3 wonderful children.  Who are my best friends. Thanks for being such great people.  I love you!

Mom

A little rant....

**Heads up, this is just MY opinion, I’m sure it will rub someone the wrong way, but when have I ever tried to sugar coat things like this? Get over it.**

I was listening to The Painful Circle this morning on X-96 and they were talking about divorce. A lady called in wondering about Alimony and child support payments. I don’t even know what they ended up telling her or what they told her was going to happen because I pulled in to work just as they started chatting about it. But it got my blood boiling that women can be so dependent on “spousal support” to live.

I’m divorced with two kids, (shocking, right?) there is nothing that irritates me more than women who drain their ex husbands bank accounts every month so that they can continue to live comfortably rather than going out and working to support THEIR children. TWO people made the decision to get married and have kids, not one. ONE person should not support the children.  Things HAVE TO CHANGE once a divorce happens. (Girls,  you may actually have to take the sweat pants off and get out of the house and get one of those “job” thingy’s…) I understand CHILD support and completely agree with it. Obviously if the husband was bringing in all of the income, the wife is going to have to have help…FOR THE KIDS!!

I find a sense of accomplishment and independence that I’ve been able to get myself into a house, find a great paying job, pay my own bills, pay off some debts and still have some money each month to let the boys have some play time. {side note…..I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have help from my parents to get me to this point, so here’s a little shout out to them. You guys are AMAZING!!}

The majority of my “accomplishments” have all been done, with very, I repeat VERY little child support and absolutely NO ALIMONY!! Why should both my ex and I struggle each month to make ends meet? What does that do for the kids? Oh, I know, it makes THEM suffer!! I’d rather the ex (who I really don’t give a rats for) be able to take my kids to do fun things or be able to buy them that video game they’ve been begging for, instead of draining his bank account each month because he has to pay me alimony.

It’s my hope that later in life my kids will be grateful for the fact that I busted my a-double-s to provide for them, and have an appreciation for the fact I didn’t exhaust all of their dads money so that I could afford to have a few luxuries or pay my house payment each month. I did it all. BY MYSELF!

To tie up this little rant about lazy women who depend on their ex husbands, here’s a little food for thought: Grow some lady balls, and get things done without depending on that ex husband to pay for your lifestyle.

Amen

A lesson for everyone.....

Today at work, my friend Phil came back from lunch smelling like a pile of Onions. He stinks! So I decided I needed to write a little blog post about workplace personal scent etiquette. It is NEVER ok to come to work smelling like the following:

1. Onions
2. Beef Stew
3. Cigarettes
4. Elk Urine
5. The back of a garbage truck
6. A McDonalds, or any other fastfood bathroom
7. Fish
8. B.O. covered by Old Spice
9. Curve for Men
10. Wet Dog
11. Sunflowers Perfume
12. Dirty Laundry
13. Aqua Net Hairspray
14. Hot Dogs
15. Adidas Cologne
16. Teen Spirit Deodorant
17. Baby Vomit
18. Beer
19. Cabbage
20. Lindsay Lohan

It is acceptable to come to work smelling like the following:

1. Rubber Cement
2. Really big sharpie Markers
3. Paint Thinner
4. W-D 40
5. Those colorful smelly good markers.

Please feel free to sit in my Cube if you smell like the above 5. The above 20, please move your workstation to the break room with the homeless man for the rest of the day.

That is all.

True Loyalty

I think it’s funny when people all of a sudden become a fan of someone/something. Enter Tim Tebow, Jimmer, and the 49ers. Granted, I have been a 49ers fan my entire life, so it may seem I am a part of this group of people. (If you need proof, I will post pictures of myself in 49ers apparel at a young age.)

I realize Tim Tebow has had some amazing come backs this year and taken Denver 7-1. However, if I see one more person “Tebow” to God, I will punch them in the face.  Also, the water cooler talk at work regarding Tebow needs to stop. Where is your loyalty to hating a certain team people?? Hasn’t the ignominy of the Colts season this year proven to you, that ONE person can make a team look good?? (And yes, I right clicked/synonym on the word embarrassment to get the word “ignominy” to look smarter)  Where will all you new Denver “fans” be when Tebow gets injured and the Broncos start losing? Probably jumping onto the Niners bandwagon.

To sum up my loyalty of hating, I will give you one more example. I hate Diet Pepsi more than water. (That’s A LOT!!) If Diet Pepsi all of the sudden turned my pee into gold, I’d STILL drink Diet Coke. Why? Because I am a LOYAL FAN!  

Thank you for your time.

Please send money.

A Little Holiday Song

What would the holidays be like without a post from me complaining about all the things I don’t like about them? Well it wouldn’t be the holidays! That’s for sure! I’ve written a little song about Walmart this Christmas Season. You’re welcome.

On the first day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the second day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the third day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me, 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Walmart gave to me, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the eighth day of Christams Walmart gave to me, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the ninth day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the tenth day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, ten creepers creeping, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the eleventh day of Christmas Walmart gave to me, eleven lines to stand in, ten creepers creeping, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

On the twelfth day of Christams Walmart gave to me, twelve butt cracks showin, eleven lines to stand in, ten creepers creeping, nine ladies stealing, eight cashiers nursing, 7 backed up toilets, six Chuck Norris t-shirts, 5 car door dings! 4 screaming kids, 3 “special” greeters, two drunken bums, and a nasty case of hepatitis B.

Back to Panhandling

I started my new job when sales where BOOMING! I made more money my first month on the job than I had in years. It only got better as the following months went on. And then October happened….. {Insert crickets chirping here}

Yesterday, I made 119 phone calls. Of those 119 phone calls, I got two, count them TWO sales!!! I WAS REJECTED 117 TIMES!!!! In ONE DAY!!

Do you know what that does to ones self esteem? This sales stuff messes with your mind more than watching an episode of Jersey Shore does! Show me a person who enjoys a .02 success rate other than Kim Kardashian’s marriages, and I will give them .02 percent of my sales yesterday! (It’s not much! Don’t get too excited!)

With this in mind, I’ve been reminded that I am still waiting for everyone’s money to start filtering in. I started this blog in April and not one of you has paid up. Or gotten me on an episode of Ellen. Is it going to really take me dressing up in a pink tutu and singing a Nicki Minaj song to land me a spot on her show? Or is one of my friends going to step it up and follow through on their end of the deal?

Maybe I should aim lower and start with landing a spot on Chelsea Lately instead. I do love her show more than I like most people, but I don’t know what I’d do about the whole Chuy situation. You all know my fear of midgets…..

**side note: I’m only partially kidding about all of this.

Dear Diary.........

I was thinking to myself earlier today that I hadn’t written a blog post for a while. So of course, I sat with a blank look on my face and stared off into space for a good 32 minutes about what I could write a post about. Turns out, I just looked like an idiot staring out into space and came up with nothing.

How do I not have anything to talk about? I’m usually the one with an opinion (usually negative) on everything! So far this month, I’ve voiced my concerns about Facebook threatening to charge, complained I couldn’t find Halloween cereal anywhere, and announced to the world I puke when I get nervous. (I also may have lied about my age in this status, but that’s not a big deal.)

So then I started thinking a little harder (which is never really a good thing for me to do) and wondered how we ended up here. No dummies, I’m not wondering how we got here, despite what my mom thinks, I know all about the birds and the bees. I’m wondering how we got to the point that our every thought has to be poured out in some huge Facebook Status, or that we can’t deal with our feelings unless we write them down in a blog post for the world to see? Do people still keep private diaries? I know I never did, but I can imagine my diary being a lot like my Facebook posts….

July 16, 2010: Do I seriously have to listen to these stupid neighbor boys light fireworks ONE MORE NIGHT??? I HATE KIDS!!

April 29, 2011:  Had a great day at work, I didn’t say one bad thing about anyone today!!

September 27, 2011: Flipped my neighbor off today! I’m not even sorry!  

And lets not forget my claim to fame:

April 23, 2010: Just saw a deer completely castrated on the side of the road!!

Looks like I was able to come up with something to talk about for a blog post! To make a point to this post, I think its funny that we all have decided to take our “diaries” viral. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Facebook and blogging and will probably continue to do it until like I said, they start charging. Social networking has actually turned out to be a pretty good thing for me. (I’m pretty sure Chris will disagree seeing how I online stalked him and forced him to be my boyfriend, he’ll get over it one day though.)