Everybody loves Kaycee!!

You know the old saying “When the cat’s away, the mice will play?” As the assistant office manager at Sportsmans Warehouse, I got to witness some pretty funny things when the Loss Prevention team would call myself and the office manager (who happens to be one of my best friends) up to the cameras to see what went on in the stores when no one was there to take charge. I think the funniest video I ever watched was when Kaycee Bruno’s boyfriend Austin -who was conveniently working the same shift as her that night- decided to put her under a boat and sit on it so she couldn’t get out. Trying to rummage up the seriousness to tell them this was NOT ok was a bit challenging for Brittany and I that day. I remember she and I giggling like little school girls at the creativity of the stunt and laughing at the fact that Austin had actually convinced her to climb UNDER the boat to begin with. Needless to say, it was never a dull moment when working with Kaycee.

I’m sure it’s no shock to anyone that I had my fair share of playing around when we should have been working. *refer to post 1 if this actually is shocking to you* I remember playing hide n go seek with Kaycee and a few others throughout the store when times were slow. I’m pretty sure I was hiding in the fitting room once for a good 25 minutes waiting for Kaycee and a few others to find me. They’d given up and decided not to say anything and just let me be. (thanks jerks!) Working retail isn’t exactly entertaining, but Kaycee always managed to make it fun! She is one of the happiest and sweetest people I know!! I’m so happy we got to work (or pretend to work) together and get to know each other!!

Royal Shmoyal: Is the wedding over yet??

I don’t quite understand why there is so much publicity about this Royal Wedding. First of all, we live in the United States, last I heard, this event was taking place in London. (not that I know where that is) So why are they flooding our precious celebrity gossip magazines with pictures of Will and Kate, and her all too much blue wardrobe?? Those spaces should be limited to the people who have a direct impact on the readers…. I need my Lohan fix!! What’s going on with Britney? MICHAEL JACKSONS DEAD???? All things I’ve been deprived of because OK, People, USWeekly, and Star magazines have been filled with page after page of guest lists, announcements, wedding attire, menu’s and other useless wedding information pertaining to nonresident celebrities! I should be completely left in the dark about these people, instead, I know all too much!

Here is what I know of the Royal Family:

·         Diana was BFF’s with Elton John

·         She died and Elton revamped goodbye Norma Jean to say goodbye England’s Rose which TOTALLY threw me for a loop when I tried to sing along.

·         She had two kids with HUGE teeth. Will and Harry

·         Harry is in the Army or something

·         Will is marrying Kate (the one who needs to add more color into her life)

·         Fergie is not invited to the wedding

·         Neither is the real Fergie, because every time the Royal family tries to come around, her London, London bridge wanna go down.

·         Will and Kate are getting married on my dad’s birthday, personally, I think there should be more coverage on him than these two.

I apologize if any of you have purchased “Royal Wedding 2011” paraphernalia like the Will and Kate Paper Doll set pictured above and I’ve offended you for any reason. Actually, if you’re that pathetic and have bought anything like this, you deserve to be offended and know I’m laughing at you.

Restroom Manners

We have a coed bathroom at work but there is a lock on the door so only one person occupies it at a time. This isn’t like Ally McBeal where men and women actually share the same restroom, opening opportunities for a little afternoon delight between co-workers in the stalls. It’s more of a private bathroom really, just available to both men and women. As I was walking into the bathroom today, creepy Chuck (whose name has been altered in case he ever stumbles across this blog) decided to come and have a conversation with me. I continued to inch myself closer to the door as my 44 ounces of diet coke had reached the point of no return in my 15 ounce sized bladder. Creepy Chuck kept inching closer to me, continuing to talk about how he needed something done and blah blah blah, at that point, all I could focus on was how I was going to keep my bladder from exploding and how to get away from his jagged yellow/grey teeth!! I’d inched myself close enough to the bathroom that I was finally beginning to push the door open; Still talking and walking towards me as if he was going to follow me in there to continue our worthless/going nowhere conversation, I finally just went in the bathroom and slammed the door shut while staring him down with the look of death in my eyes. It should be a common courtesy that if someone is walking somewhere and you even think they might  be walking into the bathroom, that you don’t strike up a conversation! Don’t even talk to them! Don’t even make eye contact with them!!  Assume they are an alien from Mars and any indication you have acknowledged their presence, will result in you bursting into flames!!! (I think I’ve made my point here)

Where is Hawaii??

Some people are particularly passionate  about Geography, I don’t want to judge, but I think those people are boring. Due to my lack of interest on this topic, I can undeniably say I either; A. Slept through or B. wrote notes to my friends during these classes in school. I give partial credit to any passing grade I may have skimmed by with in Geography, to Marty Ellis -someone who actually cared about learning and worked hard for his grades- for letting me copy his homework and test answers. The rest of my passing grade came from my perfected schmoozing skills with the teachers. It’s hard not to give someone extra credit just for bringing in a favorite drink or candy bar when you’re as charming as myself. Arrogant of me to say? Probably, but this is a blog with morals! And by that, I mean a blog full of pure honesty! I’m sticking to my statement.

The reason for this post is simply this: I didn’t care about those things then, and I still don’t 10 years later. (Did I just age myself? If so, I meant 4 years later!) Last year my best friend Lindsay and I decided to take a girls cruise to Cabo San Lucas, because we love the smell of cheap tequila and burning Cabana boy skin in the morning. Ok not really, it was the cheapest cruise porting out of San Diego at the time. About a week before I was leaving I was talking to a co worker about his trip the same week to Hawaii. He mentioned his plane would be flying over our cruise ship and maybe he’d drop the sewage on us as a gift from above. I looked at him all sorts of confused. “Why would your plane fly over us? We are leaving from San Diego, you’ll be going through Florida?!” I say.

As nicely as he could without pointing out I was a geographical disgrace to the teachers of Riverton High School, he replied “Hawaii is NOT by Florida Meg, it’s by California.” And then he proceeded to grab a map and give me a geography lesson to which I politely tuned out by singing “I’m in Miami Bit**” by LMFAO in my head. I may have done a little head/shoulder jig as he was talking too. I had Florida on my mind at this point, and what can I say? That song has a good beat that you can’t help but dance to. At least I knew Miami is in Florida!!

Needless to say, Geography?? Not my thing. Tuning out important information to help me later in life?? Now that’s something I’m good at.

2 Witty Boys and a Crazy Driver (me)

My kids are pretty witty, I know they get it from me and not their dad, but due to legal purposes, I won’t get into my reasoning behind this. A few months back the boys and I were driving in my car and singing along to the greatest song on earth, “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. I was belting “just a small town girl!!!! Livin in a LONELY woorrrlldd” at the top of my lungs, when my 8 year old says: “mom, why don’t you sing the girl part, and I’ll sing the boy part?” I paused for a brief moment and replied: “there is no girl part Carter…” without skipping a beat, Carter replies: “EXACTLY!” It’s pretty pathetic when even my kids realize I have no talent when it comes to singing. Or dancing, cooking… Driving etc. etc..…. Poor kids. It’s amazing they are (somewhat) normal.  

My oldest Carter is diabetic so sometimes life on the go can get a little tricky when we have to eat on the run. The boys and I had grabbed food on our way to the baseball park the other day. Diabetics get insulin for every carbohydrate they eat, so a hamburger, French fries, frosty and a root beer leaves his body screaming for a shot of insulin if he’s going to function as a normal human being for the rest of the day. He handed me his insulin and a syringe. I begin to draw up insulin in a syringe as I’m driving down the road while balancing the steering wheel on my knee, (which I often do because heaven forbid I wake up on time to put my makeup on BEFORE getting in the car to drive to work! I value my sleep!!) As I’m skillfully performing a one man circus act in the driver seat of my Honda beater, Carter says “MOM!! Watch the road! Can’t you just drive like a normal person?” I’m thinking in my head “seriously kid? You should be impressed with these skills!” But before I can choke out some smart aleck remark, Gunner says “Uhh… Carter… You’re kind of asking a lot there!” I can’t even get defensive. It’s true, I am a horrible driver, hints the reason my car looks as if it has been entered into the Riverton City Demolition Derby 4 years in a row! I have however, (for 3 straight days now) been focusing a little more on my driving so the two back seat drivers will kindly keep their mouths closed!

Don't Hate Me for Having this Idea BEFORE You!!

I’d like to think of myself as having a little more class than standing outside with a cardboard sign that says “Will work for Food” written on it. I could even take it to the extreme and put my two kids in ratty old clothes and shoes two sizes too small and have them stand with me and write “2 kids to feed, I swear this money isn’t for booze” at the bottom of the sign. But, like I said I’m a little more classy than that. At least that’s what I tell myself.  I’m really not even desperate, I have a job, I’m just tired of living paycheck to paycheck. So the thought of panhandling has crossed my mind. However, I’m pretty sure that pretending to be a vagabond is frowned upon if you’re employed and have a place to live. See… I learned back in 2002 on a trip to San Francisco, that there are people who earn the right to sit out on the streets and beg for money. For example, men who paint their entire bodies in gold and pretend to be a statue just to jump out and scare someone, or  people who hide behind fake shrubbery and chase you down to scare you etc. Both things I witnessed on the great Pier 49 that trip. To me, that is comical, and I will gladly throw a dollar or two in those mens bucket. Then there are the un classy beggars with cardboard signs who should literally be gathered up by authorities and taken to the local Wal-Mart with all the other misfits in this world. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing more fun than a trip to Wal-Mart, and their prices really are hard to beat, but we’ve all wasted countless hours on company time searching through the pages of peopleofwalmart.com, for our own entertainment.

There's a few things you should know about me. First off, I wasn't blessed with the athletic ability of Michelle Wie, although I do enjoy golfing, it turns into a wild game of "who can hit a goose a** first" or “how many ‘that’s what she said’ comments can I make this round?” It’s obvious I’ll never be a professional golfer with my lack of seriousness on the course. Secondly, as a Kassing, it’s just not in my nature to go back to school and rummage up any motivation to actively seek a successful career for my future. We survive solely off our charm and if that doesn't work, we use our ability to baffle people with our bullshi*. Hard work and dedication are out of the picture. And last, I personally thought I'd have made a great replacement to Oprah, but Rosie beat me to the punch. And I can’t really compete with someone like Rosie, she could kick my butt in half a second if I even tried to fight her for the job. I think I have the wits to replace Ellen if she ever quits, but anyone who scares the crap out of Kelly Osborne with a ridiculously large version of Donkey Kong- mid interview- deserves a lifelong spot on prime time t.v. And let’s face it, I’m a horrible dancer.

So... where does that leave me? I want the luxuries of the rich, famous, and talented, but as mentioned above, I'm clearly not heading down those roads anytime soon. My ultimate goal is to get rich doing absolutely nothing but writing on this blog. “Why not write a book?” you ask… well, that requires a lot of work, and if you remember as confirmed earlier in this post, I’m just not cut out for that.  This is the only solution feasible for my work ethic. Solution equals this:  I have 400+ ”friends” on Facebook, if they all read my blog and at least laugh once, they should send it to their friends and their friends friends etc etc. so they can do the same, then the whole thing will blow up, go viral on the web, people will pay me to advertise on this thing, and before you know it, I'll be the next Rebecca Black, making a million dollars for some dumb idea because people can't help but pass along useless forms of entertainment and say: "Look at this girl?? She's crazy! I can't stop watching/reading this stuff!"  Yes I realize this is not exactly a realistic goal, and I'm ok with that. At the end of the day if all I've done is created a blog, well, that's one more thing I've accomplished in life. And so, in the mean time, I'll share a few adventures of my life and dream about what could happen if I actually had the ability to make money for my thoughts, and hope to bring a smile to someone's face, even it if it just from indigestion! This my friends... Is my way of Panhandling with Class!